Let’s rewind a bit, shall we?
David and I always knew that someday we would want to have our own children. Early on in our relationship (even years before we got engaged, let alone married) we talked about our future children (how many we would have, our ideal combination of boys and girls, etc.) When I was younger I always imagined that our timeline would go something like this: get jobs, get engaged, get married, enjoy marriage life for a few years, get pregnant, and have a baby. Technically, yes, our story still followed this timeline (except we haven’t actually made it to the end of that timeline yet), but I always imagined that it would happen exactly when I wanted it to happen.
Now, I cannot speak for all couples, but I would assume that most couples feel the same as we did. When we decided we wanted to try for a baby, we wanted it now and maybe we even wanted it yesterday. I always imagined that we would start trying and the next month–BAM!–I’m pregnant. We were young, and we were healthy. How hard could it be? In fact, I know a lot of people who actually experienced this, but we were not one of those couples.
The first month we started trying, I immediately googled a due date calendar and predicted the due date of our yet to be conceived child. And truth be told, I continued to do this for every month that followed for several months.
They say (whoever they is…) that even if you time it EXACTLY right, that you only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant that month (unless you are 16 and having sex in the backseat of a car–I imagine if this is the case that your chances go up to approximately 97%.) A 20% chance is not very likely, and I knew this statistic as we began on our journey. Truth be told, I didn’t actually think that we were going to get pregnant on our first try (though that is certainly what we hoped for). In fact, I even accepted the fact that it may take us some time, and I thought I was okay with that. However, I never imagined that it would be as difficult as it was. Getting pregnant is actually pretty difficult. Who knew?
Now, some people may be offended that I am labeling our trials as “difficulty getting pregnant,” but I am. They say (again…whoever they is) that a couple should seek medical help if they try to get pregnant for a calendar year without a positive pregnancy test. We only got halfway to that 12 month mark, as it took us a little over 6 months, but I tell you what, 6 months is a long time when you are waiting for something that you wanted yesterday, something that you’ve hoped and dreamed and lived and yearned for. For me personally, I started to go a little crazy after month 3 or so. For one, the infamous two week wait (the wait between hopeful conception and a positive pregnancy test) is the most torturous time period ever (of course, I’m using hyperbole here, but it really IS torturous.) I wish I knew how much money I wasted on pregnancy tests (actually, I take that back. I don’t want to know) because without fail, every month–even though I promised myself I wouldn’t–I would start to take tests WAY before I actually could medically even GET a positive test. Every single symptom or change in my body immediately got entered into google, and each and every month, I was absolutely without a doubt convinced that it was our month, until that is, I realized it wasn’t.
I know there are plenty of people who have tried for months or even years longer than that, and I sympathize with each and every one of those couples. I’m sorry for you and I hope you get what you deserve and have always wanted. But for me personally, I feel like any time period longer than 4 months is tough and really demoralizes a woman and couple. At least that’s what it was like for me…for us.
And then for it to finally happen for us only to be taken away…that made the waiting the second time around even worse. After the miscarriage, it took us another 3ish months, but it seemed much much longer than that.
Even though things didn’t go exactly as planned, I couldn’t be happier. At 21 (almost 22) weeks, I know that everything happens for a reason (forgive the cliche) and when it comes time to try for our second child, I hope that we will be able to accept however long it takes us. It may take us longer (we’ll be older) or it may happen within a few months, or maybe we won’t be able to conceive again. Whatever happens, I will feel extremely blessed to be given the chance to have a child, even if it’s only one. I’m not saying for one second that I will love my child any more than a couple who was blessed with a pregnancy sooner than we were, but I am saying that I will love and cherish this child to the best of my ability, even if it took us awhile to get here.
And because a post is boring without pictures, here is a picture of me last week, at 20 weeks (the halfway mark!).