Laughter and Tears

I think today was the first time I laughed since all this has happened. It felt good…really good. It was at lunch and some of my co-workers and I were talking about poop (which is totally not a good topic to talk about at lunch, but it happens.) Oddly enough, the only male in the room was the most bothered by our conversation.

On a different topic, on the way home from school today, I heard two different Brad Paisley songs on two different radio stations.  The first one was the song that David and I danced to at our wedding: Brad Paisley’s “Then.” At the exact moment I turned to this radio station, the line starting with “I can just see you with a baby on the way” started and I just broke down in tears.  The song continued and I heard: “We’ll look back some day at this moment that we’re in / and I’ll look at you and say and I  thought I loved you then.” I thought about David and reminded myself how lucky we are to have each other. I can honestly say that there is no person in this world who knows me better than he does. I can’t imagine a more perfect person for me, and though tears were still streaming down my face, I smiled a bit at the end of the song.

I switched radio stations (not because I was crying, but because this one went to commercial) and I don’t remember what song was on when I turned it. After that song ended, though, ANOTHER Brad Paisley song started, and this one really got me going. It was his song “Anything Like Me” and this song I caught from the beginning.

“I remember sayin’ I don’t care either way / Just as long as he or she is  healthy I’m ok / Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen /And  said “Ya see that thing right there well ya know what that means”/ And I  started wondering who he was going to be / And I thought heaven help us if he’s  anything like me / He’ll probably climb a tree too tall and ride he’s bike too  fast / End up every summer wearin something in a cast / He’s gonna throw a ball  and break some glass in a window down the street / He’s gonna get in trouble oh  hes gonna get in fights / I’m gonna lose my temper and some sleep/ It’s safe to  say that I’m gonna get my pay back if he’s anything like me”

David and I have joked about this song before, especially when we think about the possibility of having a boy.  It’s not that David was a BAD kid growing up (I mean how bad can you be when you have adorable dimples and a flat top?) but he definitely caused a raucous and I would win the “who was a better kid” category hands down.

While it was difficult listening to those two songs, it helped me cope in a way, too. While I’m sure I looked ridiculous to anyone who saw me driving in my car, I’m glad I didn’t change the radio stations, as I could have easily done.

And now…off to do some yoga, even though I would much rather climb in bed with a book.

Broken

I am writing this exactly one week after the first post on this blog. Even though I haven’t shared this blog with anyone yet, I hope to be able to share it someday. I contemplated deleting the whole thing, but I decided against it.

Needless to say, a lot has happened in the past week.  Part of me is telling me that I shouldn’t be talking about this at all, but the other part of me wants to scream it out to the world.  We’ve decided not to tell anyone this for a number of reasons, and as hard as it is for me to type this (maybe because that is what makes it real), I had a miscarriage. I was terrified of this from the start, which is part of the reason why we were waiting to tell people we were pregnant in the first place. I only knew I was pregnant for 9 days, but that doesn’t make this any easier.  I have a whole new respect and compassion for any woman (or couple for that matter) who has had to experience  this.  No one–not your mom, not your sister, not your best friend–truly knows what it is like unless she’s been through it.

Prior to this experience, I knew what a miscarriage was: a non-viable pregnancy. I understood what it meant, and I knew that it wasn’t the mother’s fault, but I didn’t really KNOW. I didn’t know the physical and emotional pain involved (especially the physical) and selfishly, whenever I had heard about people having miscarriages, I never thought much about it. I know that makes me sound like an awful person; I’m sure it does, especially because I’VE HAD FRIENDS GO THROUGH THIS. Whenever I heard of such news, I felt sad for the person, but I didn’t put that much thought into it. I never knew how it could really affect a person. My thoughts are now forever changed. It is big deal and “sad” doesn’t even begin to describe how it feels.

I will not go into the details of how this all came about, especially because I had some other complications which involved more than one trip to the hospital and a lot of unexpected bills, but I am trying to think positively about the upcoming months. It took David and I over six months to get that first positive pregnancy test, but I know we’ll get another one in the future, and I can only hope that it is sooner rather than later. I’m trying not to feel like my body is ruined, though I have had those thoughts. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know there is nothing that I can do. However, I also know that I was able to get pregnant once, and that I will again. Right now, I’m holding on to that hope.

I haven’t been myself, and I’ve been trying to hide at work, so I don’t have to come into contact with too many people–which let’s face it, is impossible. This plan has kind of worked–I’ve just been hanging out in my classroom a lot–but people are still noticing me being quieter than usual. When asked, I try to dodge questions, but I know it is probably still showing through. If you are one of those people who have asked or if you are one of those people who have noticed, I appreciate your concern, and I hope you understand why I couldn’t talk about it at the time.

I feel broken and right now I am just taking it one day at a time. That’s all I can do, and I know that tomorrow is closer to that next pregnancy than today. This, while small, does provide me with some comfort.

We’re Prego!

Shocked. It’s been a week, and I’m still shocked.

If you’re reading this, you by  now know the phenomenal news: David and I are expecting! Our family of 2 (3 if you count Maggie) will become a family of 3 (or 4…) later this year.

I officially found out I was pregnant on Sunday, January 8, 2012, though I didn’t tell David on this day. I know that sounds terrible, but the test was SO FAINT (see below) that I almost didn’t think it counted as a positive. In fact, you may not even be able to see it.  Ignore those black squiggly lines; those are Maggie hairs. I was looking for a good contrast background and put the test on the tile floor! Lesson learned. 🙂

I didn’t have any more tests, so I vowed to run to the store on the following day after school to find out for sure. As soon as I got home, I took a test and the test line was a tad darker than it was the day before, but it was definitely there. I looked in the mirror and I said “I think I’m pregnant” and a huge smile appeared on my face. Naturally, I took three more tests. Each one was positive–they were all still faint positives–but by this point I had done enough reading online and knew that a positive was a positive.

Unfortunately, David was working late that evening–and by late I mean 8:30-8:45 (Don’t judge me. This is, in fact, late for me; I go to bed at 9.) I already knew how I was going to tell him the news, as I had been prepared since the previous June. I had purchased a cute onesie during the summer that I knew would be just a perfect way to tell him the news (once you see the onesie, you’ll know why.) It had been in safe keeping at the very bottom of my sock drawer for several months. I also knew that I wanted to use Maggie as a prop.

About ten minutes before David was due home, I retrieved the onesie and folded it up and slipped it under Maggie’s collar.  Whenever David comes home from work, Maggie always run to the garage door to greet him. He usually lets her outside to go potty and she usually jumps all around the driveway as he attempts to steer her towards the grass. I knew that this would happen again, and that he would probably see the onesie sticking out of her collar. When I saw his headlights approaching our cul-de-sac, my tummy was full of nerves, but I was so excited. Maggie saw the headlights as well and ran to the back door. David opened the back door and let Maggie outside.  It was so difficult for me to stay put on the couch, but I did. About a minute later, the back door opened and Maggie ran into the living room. The onesie was gone. I knew one of two things had happened: either it had fallen out or David and taken it out.

I tried to act calm and nonchalant when David walked into the living room, but as soon as I saw the look on his face, I knew that he had seen it. When I think of his face, I get all teary-eyed. I saw the onesie hanging out of his back pocket and I unsuccessfully tried not to smile.  He immediately came around to the front side of the couch and hugged my belly and said “Hi, Mommy.” This name was nothing new to my ears, because we often call each other Mommy and Daddy (and Maggie knows us by those names) but now, this name held a whole new meaning.

I sent him into the bathroom so he could see the four positive tests sitting on the counter and we stayed up late (okay, late for me) talking. David left a day later to go to North Carolina for a gun show and he was going to be gone the rest of the week. I hated that I had to spend that week–the week that we received the best news of our lives–without him.

A week later and one day after David returned from North Carolina  (today actually) we took a few pictures to begin documentation of this journey. We are so excited for baby B to arrive in September!  According to due date calculators I’ve found online, I’m about to start my 6th week. I guess we’ll have a better idea when we go to the doctor for the first time in a few weeks.